Coming Clean & Getting The Train Back On The Tracks
I stepped back from the site suddenly due to some mental health struggles. I wanted to open up about that here, while also apologizing for my unexplained absence, before looking ahead...
I owe you all, my incredibly dear and cherished readers and subscribers, a heartfelt apology and an in-depth explanation…
An apology for falling off a cliff and disappearing without a trace for over two months - just writing that sentence out makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed over just how long my absence has been - and an explanation for that vanishing act.
So, here goes…
I lost my latest fight with the man in the mirror. And this particular defeat was far from pretty. Actually, it got pretty damn ugly pretty damn fast and, for a while, I didn’t think I was going to be able to get up from the brutal beatdown inflicted on me by my reflection.
I’m of course talking about depression, if you weren’t clear. Depression is a horrible, draining, and debilitating disease that is unrelenting in its ability to beat you down, sap you of all energy, joy, and motivation, and crush your spirit.
Depression, coupled with imposter syndrome - the latter of which has followed me around like a ruthless bounty hunter my entire life - combined to crush my spirit and eradicate my soul in every single way imaginable over the last couple of months.
I felt like a hollowed-out zombie, alive on the outside but as good as dead inside. I struggled to derive any semblance of joy from anything. I was devoid of energy, of spark, of motivation, of drive. And forget about being able to write. It seemed, for the second time in less than a year, that I had lost the ability to do what had come so naturally my entire life.
The thing I love to do more than anything else on the entire planet - the thing that makes me who I am - was once again cruelly stripped away in an eye blink.
Now, granted, I’ve been able to cobble together some articles for the sites I write for on a freelance basis. But when it came to trying to come up with content ideas for this site, my brain just gave up on me. My creative spark went out quicker than a candle on a birthday cake covered in a young child’s slobber. I had nothing, and most of my days over the last couple of months have involved staring blankly at the laptop screen, unable to come up with a single good word, let alone anything resembling a half-decent piece.
Day by day, it felt as though the walls were closing in on me, and I couldn’t sense a way out of the black hole that had swallowed me up. Writing all of a sudden felt like an impossible task, one that filled me with nothing but dread and fear. What had once brought me so much joy now brought me nothing but pain and misery.
I’m not really sure what brought on this latest episode. For those of you who have been subscribed to the site for a little while, you will know that I suffered with a pretty bad episode of depression in the latter stages of 2024. But that was mainly down to being stuck in a rut thanks to a laundry list of health issues I had been battling. I wasn’t in a good place physically, I was dealing with a lot of uncertainty and, consequently, my mental health took a battering as a direct result.
There isn’t really one standout issue or cause to blame this time around; rather a steady buildup of a litany of different factors. Being a creative can be hard at the best of times, but especially so when you are trying to fight a slew of everyday problems and concerns. The uncertainty in America also hasn’t helped. Without trying to get political, I am British, I hold a British passport and I’m not convinced I’m all that welcome under the current administration. And, watching the news as much as I do every day, I started to experience intense meltdowns over how my immediate future would be impacted by what is currently going on in the United States. The more I gave in to those fears, the more I began to stress about all of my goals and dreams and whether they were now realistic.
In other words, it felt like the floor had given in underneath me and everything I thought, believed in and worked so hard for was now in flux. It felt as though my future had now been decided for me, and I didn’t like it one bit. Of course, worrying about things you can’t control is foolish, but try telling me that in the moment. I wasn’t sleeping very well, I was over-eating because of stress and I couldn’t conjure up even an ounce of passion or interest to really invest in sports, let alone write about it.
And that isn’t like me at all. Not even close.
I was so excited a couple of months ago, having decided to launch a baseball-centric newsletter, thus keeping the main site more broad in terms of talking about all sports while, simultaneously, also having the opportunity to talk about my beloved baseball every single day without annoying non-baseball fans who already subscribe to the original newsletter. However, just like that, it all seemed so stupid and pointless.
I keep a huge list of story / article ideas in the notes section on my phone, which I add to on the daily, but for the last couple of months, I’ve struggled to come up with one thing I really wanted to write about. I mean, heck, I couldn’t even get excited about the Knicks going on a run to the Eastern Conference Finals. I normally don’t miss a minute of the Stanley Cup Playoffs - I reckon I’ve caught a maximum of two-three games this year. And the baseball season has just passed me by. We’re a month out from the Trade Deadline, and I’ve written nothing about the 2025 season in months.
To be honest, the closest I’ve come to writing something for the site was an announcement to say that I was admitting defeat and shutting the website down. I was halfway through that particular post. At times over the last few weeks, I was ready to make that leap and just say goodbye to this particular chapter of my life. I had lost all ability to write; the joy of writing had been drained from my very being, and my imposter syndrome kept telling me that nobody cared about this stupid newsletter or what I wrote, anyway. So the decision seemed pretty straightforward.
But then, common sense prevailed, and I came to my senses.
I’m glad I didn’t click publish on that post.
I’m starting to come out of my malaise; the sun is shining a little bit brighter, and I’m ready to get back to the grind.
I’m ready to finally talk and write about sports again.
Now, that isn’t to say that everything is better all of a sudden. The harsh reality is that depression is something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life, and I’m going to have to fight more demons and deal with imposter syndrome takeover more times in the future. That’s just the sobering reality of my situation, as anyone who has also dealt with depression can probably relate to.
Therefore, I felt it important to be honest about this latest disappearance act because I owe you that at the very least. You all give up your hard-earned time and money to support me and this endeavor, and you deserve to know the reasoning behind any prolonged period of silence. Furthermore, given that depression is as much a part of me as my ever-receding hairline, I wanted to be upfront with you because I’m bound to have more episodes like this in the future. My imposter syndrome is probably the biggest demon I have to battle with on a daily basis and, as such, it is going to interfere with work every now and then and throw a curveball at me that I can’t hit. And, sometimes, you have to know when to shut it down, walk away, and work on getting right before coming back and taking more swings at the plate.
And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been focusing on getting my mind right and clawing back all the things this latest depressive episode snatched away from me. I can assure you all that I haven’t been holed up in some exotic locale with my feet up, indulging in a never-ending supply of cocktails and baking under a hot sun. Nor have I been stuck to the couch with a bag of Cheetos on my chest while logging hours upon hours on the PlayStation.
Man, I wish. On both counts.
So, with all that said, where do we go from here?
Well, first and foremost, I want to get back to writing about sports as soon as possible. I plan to do that immediately. I launched the '‘Around The Bases With Andrew’ newsletter just before going quiet, and that will be the new home for all of my baseball content. I’ll use this newsletter - The Steele Sports Bar Newsletter - as the vessel for all my other random sports thoughts and pieces. The long-term plan is to send out the baseball newsletter every single day, in addition to sending out a newsletter from TSSB two or three times a week. You will also be able to find everything I write all in one place on the main website.
I plan to make up for my absence, starting now, and I can’t thank you all enough for sticking by me. Amazingly, despite the fact that I’ve written nothing over the last couple of months, our readership has continued to grow. Now it is time for me to hold up my end of the bargain.
Again, I’m not trying to make any lame excuses for my rather long absence. I know that it stinks that I vanished without a trace, and it has stunk for me, too. I am also well aware that it is going to take a lot of time and effort to regain your trust, and I’ll be the first to admit that my track record as it pertains to consistency isn’t exactly great to begin with.
I want to rectify that. Starting right now.
Even the toughest of situations can yield positive outcomes, and I want to use my time on the sidelines as an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to get better as a writer. I’m not always going to be perfect, and I am sure that my imposter syndrome will return to cause havoc again in the future. I’m also going to make my fair share of mistakes. But, if there is one takeaway from my latest depressive episode, it is that I love writing about sports with every single fibre of my being, and I’m not ready to give up on this dream just yet. Writing is who I am. I will always be convinced that I was put on this planet to write, and writing and talking about sports has always been a safe haven for me. I’m looking forward to getting that joy back and returning to what I do best.
And, one final thing before I go and get ready to resume talking sports: if you too suffer with depression or imposter syndrome, or any version of mental health, don’t ignore it. I tried to bury my depression in a box and pretend it wasn’t there. But it was, and ignoring it only led to bigger and more substantial issues. In other words, I let my mental health snowball, and it absolutely flattened me in all the terrible ways. Keeping on top of and maintaining your mental health should be treated as vital as staying in good physical shape. As I have found out to my cost over these last two months, failing to do so will only amplify your struggles and lead you to getting trapped in a bigger black hole. So, if you are struggling, please get help and speak to someone, be it family, friends, or a licensed therapist. I tried to battle through things on my own and only ended up in a bigger mental rut, one that nearly destroyed everything I’ve worked so hard for.
It’s good to talk, and opening up and confronting your demons head-on from the get-go will give you a much better chance of living a happy and fulfilling life.
Anyway, that’s enough personal stuff for one day.
Let’s get back to talking about sports…